What do I want to learn NOW: Exploring the space between acceptance and forgiveness.
I accept that my last experience in an organizational coaching project was hurtful and frustrating to me. I accept that my partner in this experience had a different notion of what her role and my role were — for her, the role was supervisory; for me it was collaborative. Neither was stated in writing.
I accept that what I wanted from my ultimate supervisor (the BIG boss) didn’t happen. I asked for her support; I quit, in writing, three times. She couldn’t or didn’t respond/accept or support me. She needed my partner more than she needed me. I accept that.
I am no longer consumed by my own blah, blah, blah. Anger. Hurt. Injustice.
I’m OK.
I think I’ve let it go.
When the BIG boss comes up to me over the last several months and pours honey all over me, asking me what I want to do in the future with the organization, I have to ask myself — do I forgive her?
I can move forward with what she and I want to do within the organization. I can move forward inside a community we both value. I accept whatever limitations/expectations/disappointments have already transpired.
I am not swallowing any poison that will kill me because I’m angry at her.
But forgiveness? I won’t ever trust her going forward so, no. Still. I can do me there — teach good courses, love the people with whom I make great connections, live with where I am.
So. Acceptance without trust? Not forgiveness? I wish there were more discussion about this in-between place and not so much about forgiveness as the only way back from hurt! It’s not a religious or ethical choice for me. It’s not a process either (necessarily). It is a conscious space within which I can peacefully live, for now.
