I’ve had a long six months to look at myself, not for the purpose of admiration, but to examine who and what I have become over almost 80 years. I am mostly a high-energy optimist, who makes work and pleasure happen due to that energy and organization. Work has sustained me more than relationships I think. Psychologists say that I need relationships more at the end of my life, and though I am not without them, I have become more depressed over these months with very little work.
If the working optimist in me is foregrounded, then I also have to look at the habits in the background that contribute to my whole persona. I am messy. My desk is messy, my piles of books are messy. The mess has spread from my office to the living room as I spend more time sitting on the couch reading than I ever have before, so my coffee table has become my second messy desk. I never seem to get all of my clothes into my closet. This is due to two habits: buying too many clothes and having a much smaller closet space than I’ve had in previous homes.
I have put on and taken off the same 15–20 pounds too many times to count. While my exercise is consistent and challenging — yoga classes and hiking now — I don’t enjoy it as much as I have in the past so find more excuses to curl up on the couch. I’m drinking too much.
I can’t and don’t want to remake myself overnight. I do want to change this last troublesome nest of habits — weight, exercise and alcohol consumption — for good.
My bible for changing habits has been Charles Duhigg’s book The Power of Habit. His research and writing are engaging and thoughtful. He writes about habit loops — cues that initiate habits, routines that ARE the habit, and rewards that reinforce our habit. In my case, the cue for having a drink is time. I’ve been bored for at least part of every day, I’ve exercised, I’ve read a book for work or pleasure and it’s 5 PM. I go into the kitchen and make myself a drink. That’s the routine. The reward is the sense of letting go of yet another interminable day. All of this would be fine if it stopped there. But it doesn’t.
More recently I’ve been turned onto James Clear’s Atomic Habits: Tiny Changes, Remarkable Results, because I know that I have to break my habit loop down into microscopic pieces in order to address weight management, pleasurable exercise and much less alcohol. My first step, a foundation of both Duhigg’s and Clear’s methodology is habit tracking. I already track what I eat (in an admittedly haphazard fashion). My commitment to myself is to consistently and honestly track what goes into my mouth — both solid and liquid — every day. I’m not committing (yet) to change what I eat or drink, but only to keep track of it. Clear calls this habit stacking (adding one small change to something you already do). Do you have any idea how many calories there are in one martini?
If this doesn’t work, I’ll add an accountability partner, someone Clear suggests will check on me. I’ll also add a contract with that partner so that if I don’t do what I say I will do, I need to reward my accountability partner (probably my daughter) rather than myself (with money or time).
Habits support us in many ways. I’m good at planning my work life and doing what is necessary to make sure that I have work I love to do. This means researching and writing about what supports happiness and achievement for older adults (for anyone, really). It means contacting people who know my work and can help me to get more of it.
Some of my personal habits are interfering in what loving relationships I do have, and with my ability to be effective and happy in my work life. Time to step up and make the first change to what is not now a positive trajectory.
