We’re not the only people who get lonely. Statistics show that young adults 16 to 24 are the likeliest to be lonely. But we are at higher risk for loneliness and social isolation after 60. The latest statistics that I could find, from the University of California at San Francisco, show that 43% of people over 65 are frequently lonely. That’s a lot of older adults and a lot of loneliness! But I suppose it’s no surprise in early summer of 2020 when we are still worried about a unique virus, and are still sheltered in our homes, apartments, and independent living facilities.
Most of us actually see very few people, compared to our “normal” life before Covid. I hike or walk twice a week with close friends. My other exercise — regular yoga classes — is on Zoom where I have no interaction with other yogis. Book clubs, writing groups and an art class are also on Zoom. While this is far better than nothing, I miss seeing and talking to my neighbors and other friends who are now off limits. My beloved grandson is not coming to Berkeley this summer, for only the second time since he was two (he’s now 16). He and his parents think getting on a plane in Madison, Wisconsin and flying to San Francisco is too dangerous for him, and too risky for his grandparents who are over 75, and in the most vulnerable group to be exposed to the virus. I long for him. I’m lonely without my usual dose of teenaged sweat, poker games with grandpa, and day trips for exotic food (he eats eyeballs, I think). I cannot hug him over Facetime.
Most of the advice I can find about how to climb out of chronic loneliness is unsuitable right now. In a 2018 article in Psychology Today, 10 cures are recommended.
- Do talk to strangers- For most of us, the only place this can happen right now is in the supermarket, and since we’re all wearing masks, it seems odd to strike up a conversation with a person we can’t really see.
- Give it seven minutes- While this is meant to elongate an initial, probably awkward conversation, it does give both speakers and listeners long enough, even with pauses, to assess an initial interaction. Many areas in the country have instituted senior calling programs where volunteers call up to 25 older adults every week to check in with them. One of my favorite stories about these calls comes from the 92nd Street Y in Manhattan, where a rich and diverse offering of live programs has drawn a large older membership. Since these programs have now been converted to online versions, staff volunteers are calling members to see how they are doing. One 84 year-old married woman said via speaker phone “We try to have a project every day. Today I’m making a beef stew for the first time in 40 years.” Her 89 year-old husband responded, “If I’m here tomorrow, you’ll know it was good.”
- Schedule face time- That is real, face to face interaction. No can do right now (for the most part).
- If you can’t face time, choose Facetime- For most of us, FaceTime, Skype and Zoom are the closest we can get to real time conversation right now.
- Use Facebook wisely- If we only post pictures of our latest baking triumph (which I confess I do), or our smiling face, that doesn’t tell most people anything real about us. I have a friend who posts pictures of the water and shore on her daily kayak adventures. I look forward to seeing where she has been.
- Be a good neighbor- Many of us now live in neighborhoods where there is very little interaction. That is true of mine. One neighbor came over after we’d lived in our house for four years to ask us to trim our trees. They were obstructing his view of San Francisco Bay. I have only seen him once since, when he thought we were embarking on a major renovation project (we weren’t). If I want to be friends with any of my neighbors, I will have to make the effort but not until we have more of an assurance that we are all safe.
- Throw a dinner party- While I mostly do family dinners now anyway, it is not possible to have a dinner party unless we have an enormous space where everyone can be six feet apart. No can do.
- Get creative- My online art class is saving my sanity but will never take the place of an all-girl craft night that I look forward to hosting sometime in the future.
- Talk about it- This we can definitely do. If there is another human being in our home, we can and should talk about how we are feeling. Those lucky enough to have a calling buddy, that’s the purpose, to be able to share our feelings. If that isn’t possible, write in a journal about your feelings and read it back, out loud. Even talking to yourself helps, according to some loneliness researchers.
- Reach out and touch someone-literally- Again, no can do unless you live with someone you love or like, and /or someone in your “pod” (close family and friends you’ve allowed into your physical space. If you have these live humans near you, by all means pat them on the back, reach for their hands, or hug them. It will do as much for you as it will for them. Barring this availability, talk is probably the best we can do right now.
Isolated or lonely older people have a mortality rate comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, or being obese, or alcoholic. Almost a quarter of men and nearly half of American women over 75 live alone, due most frequently to the death of a spouse or partner. If that person also has a hearing loss, lacks transportation options, or has some physical impairment, the chances of loneliness rise significantly.
Since we can’t do many of the recommended curative activities listed above, we have mostly digital technology to fall back on. Even though many older adults are at least somewhat uncomfortable with technology, most of us have phones. Reaching out to a friend or a stranger on a regular basis may be the best curative we can offer right now, in a time when we are losing more of our contemporaries than any other age group. Call someone over 60 today, and call again and again until we can again shake hands, pat each other on the back and kiss each others’ cheeks.
