When I asked a group of friends, all within 10 years of my age (76), at what age would they be old, those who responded all said something like this:
“Five years from now.”
It didn’t matter whether they were 68 or 86.
Dr. Louise Aronson, the author of the bestseller, Elderhood, and a geriatrician at the University of California at San Francisco, says we begin to be old at 60. She says this because several of our physical and mental systems begin to deteriorate around this age. That doesn’t mean we’re done for. Not by a long shot. But it does mean we are on an inexorable downhill slide. So much for our own definition. Aronson also says that we are the only minority that discriminates against ourselves as much if not more than others do. We don’t want to be old, perhaps because we see how younger people treat our friends, or how we have been treated by a cashier, a salesperson, or a doctor. Therefore we say we are not old to avoid that feeling and experience of discrimination.
Still, denial, in this case, is as dangerous as the very real discrimination is. Everybody will get older and eventually die. No one yet has figured a way around this. As our bodies age, we will be increasingly susceptible to one or all of the three Ds: disease, disability, or dementia. So it is an unfortunate myth that all of us will or can enjoy our last third of life.
So much depends on money. If we have enough resources (social security, one or more pensions, a well funded IRA) our lives will be easier toward the end. We can afford decent healthcare and satisfy whatever curiosities we choose to pursue: adult education, travel, and entertainment with friends. We can afford in-home care, a well-funded retirement community, or a more intense care facility. But all of these are available to a small percentage of those over 60. According to the Government Accountability Office (an agency within Congress) more than half of us will have to rely solely on social security, with an average annual payout of $17,640 a year. In California, where I live, that doesn’t cover basic needs.
A growing trend is for people over 60, 70, or even 80 to keep working. That is what I have done. I don’t work full-time, and I don’t make much money but I am with both younger people and full-time professionals who stimulate my thinking and keep me actively curious about the world. I am also starting my own Zoom discussion group for adults who are my age and older. This requires that I learn a new technological skill, about which I have some apprehension. But I’m sucking it up and taking online classes so I don’t embarrass myself when our group goes live.
One more thing that is important for those of us who think we will be old in five years or so. Maybe that’s true. If so, we should travel, move to the town in which our children live, start a business, or take our first drawing class NOW. Whatever we thought we wanted to do when we were old, we should do now!
Another of the opportunities we might try now is to write a legacy letter. This is a letter or a series of photos, poems, and remembrances we write for those whom we leave when we die. It is far better to begin a legacy letter when we are still engaged with those we love, so we know clearly what we want to say to them about our memories, our gratitude, and our deep caring for spouses, children, other relatives and good friends.
We have been living in the time of the coronavirus, and of deep despair over the treatment of minorities by police. For many privileged white people, including me, it might also be time to revisit our deepest values, and figure out where we want to put our muscle as well as our money — for the benefit of others less privileged than we are.
We have the time. Anyone can volunteer. Most importantly, it is a way to stay engaged with life ourselves, and to try to make someone else’s life a bit easier and more joyful. It’s as much for us and our well-being as for those we might help.
